Japanese Animation

Japanese Animation (or ‘anime’) is the most absurd craze ever to strike western television. Even more so then Home Improvement. Right, let’s examine:

Why is anime so shit?

It makes little or no sense.

Anime is invariably ('invariably' will be the key word for this section) senseless. Let’s look at Pokemon, the motherfucker which ultimately ignited the hunger for anime across the western world for inept people. Pokemon is about a young 10 year old boy named Ash who travels the wilderness in search of Pokemon (little animal variants). When Ash finds a wild Pokemon, he sets one of his already captured Pokemon upon it. I don't know about Japan, but purposely setting animals against each other is a blatant breach of the animal rights commission. If, in the scenario Ash's Pokemon manages to seriously injure the wild Pokemon, Ash will throw a small ball at it, which, strangely defiant of science, will capture the Pokemon within it. Ash will then train this Pokemon (exactly how is unspecified thought the course of the Pokemon series), so as to make it stronger. The cycle continues until Ash can declare himself the greatest Pokemon trainer ever.

Does it make sense? You are right, it doesn’t. Anime never makes any sense. Ever. Which hence brings me to my next point.

There is bare-minimum individuality between shows.

Indeed so, to the point where you would appropriately ponder the possibility that all Japanese Animation is created by the same retard. There is no evidence to suggest otherwise.

All the characters are drawn to a standard. Good guys all have large eyes. Bad guys always have small eyes. Comic relief’s are always fat and have small eyes. Female characters are extremely slender and wear revealing clothing.

All good characters have a particular pose.

Enemies yell inane shit like: "Vortex Strike!"

All good characters have an impossible accompanying animal variant, whether it is a dragon or a talking cat.

There is a not-so-bad-baddie who later befriends the good characters.

The term 'the chosen one' is used at least once during every anime series to describe the main character.

Every anime world consists of lavish plains, forestation, heavily populated cities and dark castles. Bar none.

Characters fall over whenever a senseless Japanese joke is mentioned.

Anime is always ultimately concerned with apocalyptic circumstances.

And most importantly, Japanese animation never makes any fucking sense. Ever. Don't try and argue, you know it's true.

It's everywhere.

If you turn on your TV between 5 am and 9 am, and between 3pm and 5pm, and tune in to any channel which doesn’t air Coronation Street, you will believe that you are actually in Japan. And fair enough, for all that is on television between the mentioned times is the senseless jumble known as anime. It’s even on the absurd Christian channel!

How did this anime shit get started in the west?

Let us examine New Zealand, as that is where the I based my anime research.

1995 - Samurai Pizza Cats released in New Zealand. Few cared.

1995 - Sailor Moon released in New Zealand. Everyone, barring Asian immigrants hated it. Japanese hence became hesitant to release anymore, for the chance of ridicule was too high.

1997 - Nintendo decided that their Pokemon craze could stand a chance in the west. By late 1997, Pokemon was released onto NZ TV screens. Little did anyone at the time realize the shit that was to follow.

1998 - By now, Pokemon was a roaring success with children. I can't answer why. At this moment, combined suicides and evil cult numbers in the western world had tripled, probably.

2000 - Dragon Ball Z released, as Pokemon’s success was falling into a dark anime abyss. DBZ again a huge success, particularly amongst young teenagers.

2001 - Tons more shitty, tenth-rate animation released in New Zealand.

2003 - Japanese Animation now officially in charge of children’s entertainment. New Zealand television at an all new low, the last low being when Shortland Street was released in 1992.

What will happen now?

We cannot deny facts. The television we watch as children will ultimately decide upon our fate. If we watch quality entertainment, like Transformers and He-Man, then we will grow into quality individuals. If we watch shit like Japanese Animation, we will become insane serial killers with no other desire than to taste human blood. The future is not looking promising at all.

Shit to laugh at:

Dragon Ball Z

Dragon Ball Z is an account of the adventures of Goku and his son Gohan. Goku is a martial artist. He can fly and shoot fireballs at enemies. He does battle with threatening aliens. He can make his hair go blonde.

This sounds quite exciting. Well, perhaps it would be if Goku didn't just stand there talking proudly like a fuckwit for a duration of the apocalyptic battles. Indeed, Goku can stand there and talk to his enemies for a maximum of 4 episodes in a row before any martial progress is made.

DBZ also has more contradictions and jumbled ideas than the bible. One episode boasts about how sayians (humanoid characters, whom Goku is supposed to represent) cannot breathe in space. The very next episode clearly depicts sayians flying and doing battle IN SPACE. WOOOUUUWOOOUUUWOOOUUU, ineptitude alert!

BeyBlade

I am not too familiar with this concept. BeyBlade is apparently a spinning-top variant game which has proven to be a huge success with children. An anime interpretation of the mess exists, sadly.

BeyBlade (the TV show) is about some kids who play BeyBlade (the game) and use it to resolve major world problems. Such a problem is of an evil dictator, who will be inevitably defeated in a BeyBlade battle.

That’s right. Playing a game of spinning tops to defeat an evil dictator. This is now going too far. Let’s look at Adolf Hitler. Defeating him was no simple game of spinning tops - it involved tanks, air forces, and masses of military action. BeyBlade is fucking about with young minds. Got a problem at school? A bully perhaps? Play a harmless game of spinning tops with him, and all will be solved. Recent studies have confirmed that playing BeyBlade to solve problems is an invalid action and will ultimately result in your loss of dignity or worse.

Hamtaro

Again, relatively foreign to myself, however it appears to be about several hamsters that solve larger-than-life problems using tender, lovely methods. Fuck. Oh, and the group of hamsters are collectively known as the 'Ham Ham Gang', apparently.

Conclusion

Wackiness Rating: 4%

Japanese Animation is not wacky - it's fucking stupid.

Coherency Rating: 2%

Coherent? No. Contractions, senselessness and jumbled ideas.

Enjoyment Rating: 12%

+10 % if you like to try and understand the impossible.

INEPTITUDE RATING: 99%

Japanese Animation is fucking inept.

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