Home Improvement
Credit where it's due, Home
Improvement has to have the largest absurdity : repeats ratio of
any TV show. Ever. Not even Happy Days received as many repeats, and
that was pretty foul. Home Improvement is an American situation comedy created
during the 90's. (from that information alone even the most ignorant of human
could imagine the potential shit Home Improvement could muster.) based around the adventures of Tim
'The Toolman'
Damn repetitive episodes!
A lack of verity is a great way to describe Home
Improvement, which is heightened by a stubbornly linear episode
structure. This structure somewhat changes in the later episodes, (where the
kids are stereotyped teens) but at the end of the day, they are both the same.
Old
(early 90's) Episode Structure
·
Beginning: Irrelevant but obligatory Tool Time episode, where Tim
either injures himself or someone else.
·
Then: Tim says or proposes some inept idea to Jill. Jill gets
angry. Marriage in temporary crisis.
·
And then: Tim goes through with, or begins to go through with
proposal, which fucks up. Tim,
stubbornly continues to proceed with proposal. (Note, occasionally this
step doesn’t occur.)
·
But wait!: Tim (or sometimes Jill) chats to
·
Then: Tim \ Jill repeats
·
And: Jill \ Tim makes erotic suggestions \ advances toward Jill \
Tim.
·
Finally: Another irrelevant Tool Time episode, in which Tim mucks
up yet again.
Later
(mid to late 90's) Episodes:
This is where family planning is concerned. These episodes are
concerned with the three stereotyped teens and their potential to fuck up like
their father.
·
Beginning: Irrelevant but obligatory Tool Time episode, where Tim
either injures himself or someone else.
·
Then: Mark / Randy / Brad returns home from school, and makes an
inane suggestion to Jill / Tim. Jill / Tim either agree on terms or agree on
special 'conditioned' terms.
·
And then: The teen proceeds with proposal, but either fucks up or
disobeys the instigated conditions, resulting in injury or potential injury.
·
But wait!: Tim \ Jill \ Mark \ Randy\ Brad chat to
·
Then: Tim \ Jill \ Mark \ Randy \ Brad repeat
·
And: Cuts to next day, when Mark \ Randy \ Brad have done
something 'wacky', (ie: dyed hair green) Jill \ Tim shocked.
·
Finally: Another irrelevant Tool Time episode, in which Tim gets
it all wrong, yet again.
“I fucking hate Home Improvement.”
Probably the least likable characters
ever exhibited on international television.
Tim
'The Toolman'
Tim has to be the most infuriating fictional character ever. He moves
about in an old man fashion. He says inane shit like 'more power' and either
injures himself or another person in most episodes. He makes rash decisions
(like purchasing expensive stereo equipment, or quitting his job) which often
triggers marital problems. His most retarded trait, however, is his habit of
making beast noises. "Orrgh, orrrgh." What is meant by this? Is Tim
trying to remind us that he is the biggest fuck ever? I think he is.
Unforgettable Moment: Tim says to Jill that he has made the CD
Player and TV 'sound sensitive'. (ie: operate via clapping and other loud
noises) For starters, there is almost no way that your average Toolman could
totally reprogram Japanese hardware using simple pliers and screwdrivers.
Secondly, even if one could, it would be fucking stupid. The 'final straw' for
this moment is when Tim claps, but causes the whole apparatus to operate in a
totally uncontrollable fashion.
Quote of Wisdom: "I've gotta work on the hotrod!"
Mark
Taylor
Mark begins as a somewhat likeable kid. With a stupid haircut. It
is in the later episodes, however, when things change. He spontaneously becomes
a gothic, and has a fuckhead gothic friend. He carries a video camera
everywhere and tapes every possible moment. Who does he think he is? Steven
Spielberg?
Unforgettable Moment: When Mark joins a Gothic band. They play
'hard out' gothic music, and Marks gothic friend sings, which surprises Tim and
Jill (The gothic friend is meant to be all silent and scary, you see.)
Quote of Wisdom: "And I caught it all on tape."
Randy
Taylor
Randy, unlike Mark is hatible form the very start of Home
Improvement, due to
his conjunction bullying of Mark with Brad. Later on he becomes a questioning and
philosophical teenager. Philosophical and questioning to the point where you
want to destroy him. He also works for the nerdy high school news paper, which
incites further hatred.
Unforgettable Moment: When Randy returns home after a trip to
Quote of Wisdom: "I don't wanna die!"
“Randy’s my favorite of the kids. He’s intelligent and dares
to be different.”
AMAZING FACT: In the early 90's episodes, Randy has no discernable
effect on the storyline. He only ever seems to bully Mark or make's sarcastic
comments. Even in the later episodes he never really seems to have a huge
impact (albeit with a few exceptions though). So why is Randy even a part of Home Improvement?
Brad
Taylor
Brad is the biggest fuck of the kids. He has no discernable traits
as a child (barring the hairdo, which is god-awful) but as a teen.... He plays
soccer, resulting in a frustrating sportsman ('jock', if you are American)
attitude. Says daft lines, is confused easily and clearly in uncomfortable with
the whole concept of Home Improvement.
Unforgettable Moment: Brad injures his knee before an important
soccer match. He then worsens it during the game. It biblically heals and Brad
continues to play. What? Yes, you are right. This is fucking stupid.
Quote of Wisdom: "Outta my way, dweeb!"
Al
Borland
Al is the co-host of Tooltime and has an obese mother (whom we
never get so see, sadly). He is admirably sensitive and cries easily. He is also
sensible, somewhat intelligent and is possibly the reason why Tim Allen still
lives. In the early episodes Al only ever appears in Tooltime, but later on
becomes a catalyst for problems.
Unforgettable Moment: When Al runs away crying due to sad music being
played on the set of Tooltime.
Quote of Wisdom: "I don't think so Tim."
Unforgettable Moment: When
Quote of Wisdom: "Heidiho, neighbor."
Worthy mentions.
The Boys from K and B Construction
These are the somewhat questionable fellows who appear
occasionally during the course of Home Improvement. They play harmonious melodies using their
construction tools, with mixed results. If it weren’t for the amusing large
bearded man who plays the, er, barrels of oil or something, I would harshly
conclude by saying "These guys are the biggest fuckwits I've ever
seen.". I could be led to believe that Tim can reprogram Japanese
Hardware. I could even perhaps believe that Tim survived a 20,000,000 volt
shock. But there’s no way I would believe that a bunch of men working on a
construction site would fuck about all day creating tunes that somewhat resemble
the Home Improvement theme.
Ever.
Tim
Taylor and the Bob Veila Rivalry
Every main character has an arch rival, and Tim Taylor is no
exception. His is known as 'Bob Veila'. Now, most rivals are mean, nasty,
ruthless and cruel. Bob is a friendly, orthodox middle aged man who desires
nothing more than to help the loving peoples of the world. So what does Tim do?
Well, in one episode, Tim invites Bob onto the set of Tooltime, and knocks him
out / injures him with a large piece of wood. What a bastard. More importantly,
are the creators of Home Improvement hinting that Tim is
actually the series’ baddie? Bob Veila certainly is not.
Conclusion.
(Note: All ratings are out of a maximum of five
stars, five being the highest.)
Satisfaction: *
Knowing that you have wasted half an hour of
your precious like is not terribly satisfying.
Inspiration: *
Inspires you to watch some old Jackie Chan film.
Cleverness: *
The same episode structure, repeated over is
hardly a testimony of the cleverness of the Home Improvement creators.
Overall: *
In the words of the Extreme Ineptitude
Foundation, “Home improvement is fucking
inept”.