The Surfer’s Bible
Check out this specimen
I received the other day. An advert for a new version of the mysterious 'New
Testament' - entitled the Surfers Bible. Or is it actually a
magazine article outlining the Surfers Bible product? I am
still not sure. I had to read it over several times in order to make any sense
of it. Can you make sense of it first time? Fuck, I doubt it.
The Surfers Bible - The
Advert / Magazine Article
There's a history of producing a bible which is accessible
to the masses stretching back to Luther in the 1520's. Back then the task was
to have a bible which spoke the language of the modern audience; today the task
has little changed - enter the Surfers Bible.
The Surfers Bible is collaboration between Christian
Surfers International, a wave ridin' ministry - and the Australian Bible
Society. Now I used to work for the British Bible Society and the nearest thing
we ever got to Big Wednesday was a mid-week coffee morning! Our Australian cousins clearly has a sunnier deposition when they
brainstormed this recent edition of the New Testament.
Resisting the obvious temptation to re-write all the
gospels in Surfer-speak (for example, "Yo dude, that Jesus guy just hit a
gnarly barrel") the text remains a modern English translation; it's the
packaging that's different, The jacket design looks like a traditional surfing
magazine, if it weren’t for the New Testament subtitle, you would think it were
a volume of handy surf hints.
Inside, before Matthew I, is a smart cartoon, The Prable of
Four Grommets in which, "Once upon a solid 10f swell a surfer traveling
through Indo came across an ancient fishing village sitting in the wickedest
right and left hander known to surf kind." This catches the attention of
anyone feeling a little self conscious at reading the Good News. The gospels
are interspersed with numerous first-hand stories of how various amateur
pro-surfers came face to face with their belief in God. Their frankness and
lack of pretence is compelling.
The question is, is this an approach effective? Does it
encourage a certain part of society otherwise alienated from the hospels to
pick them up and read? This edition has sat around my house for a couple of
months now. When friends pick it off the shelf they initially smirk at the cover
statement, "Inside you will read the story of how they found a true
fulfillment in knowing the God who made the waves." But after I find
people thumbing thought the pages with far more interest than other, more
traditional editions which continue to gather dust. This alone is no small
achievement. So, what next, perhaps the Skaters Torah or the Bikers Koran?
- The Surfer’s Bible Magazine Article / Advert thing
Fucking confused? I know, that headache hurts, doesn’t it? Before we
get into the guts of this product, we need to ask whether it's an advert or a
magazine article. It's written like an article, its page variables exist in a
state of an article. Ghhh. It could be possible that
Christians are trying to take a new approach to advertising - that is making an
ad not look like an ad? Either way, it's a question that won't be answered in a
hurry - incase it is actually an article I won't take the piss out of the
specimen itself. But if it is actually an advert, as we suspect,
then you Christians are quite sneaky!
Instead, if the Surfers Bible beith a true product, lets complete an analysis of the
concept.
The Surfer's Bible - The Inept Factors
The Title
The first piece of ineptitude is the title - Surfers
Bible. Surfers fucking Bible? Immediately
after hearing it new standards of absurdity are engraved into your conscious.
What the fuck were the creators thinking? Do they want to be labeled as inane
or something?
The Principal
"Resisting the obvious temptation to re-write all the
gospels in Surfer-speak (for example, "Yo dude, that Jesus guy just hit a
gnarly barrel") the text remains a modern English translation; it's the
packaging that's different, The jacket design looks like a traditional surfing
magazine, if it weren’t for the New Testament subtitle, you would think it were
a volume of handy surf hints."
So what those sneaky Christians have done is
simply and unnecessarily rewritten the New Testament (fuck, how much time do
they have on their hands? Do they have no life?) into
contemporary English, despite the fact that the New Testament is relatively
understandable, even if you are inept. Secondly, as the title implies, the
advert / article boasts about avoiding the temptation to "re-write all the
gospels in Surfer-speak." Why? Wouldn't this be a much better pathway to
take, especially considering that the creators are infact trying to entice
surfers? Confusing indeed.
The Dust Cover
Ever since the 1860's, when Charles Darwin returned from his
voyage, the Christian population has been decreasing. This is painfully evident
in the Surfers Bible. Why? Well, say you were going on assembling
some kind of army to do battle with demons, and you were having trouble
attracting anyone, who would you look to? That’s right - subcultures with
assumed intellect problems. Here, the people responsible for this monstrocity have taken the cliche
of idiot surfers and are using it to, yes, it must be said, convert surfers to
Christianity. That’s right. The stupid dust cover is simply a trap to entice
the surfing subculture to the pages within. Fucking nasty.
And will it work? Probably, until the point where they read the 'New Testament'
piece, at which the surfer will calmly put the book down and leave it alone.
There is even a warning on the cover: "WARNING, THIS BOOK
CONTAINS EXPLICIT LIFE CHANGING MATERIAL." Life
changing? Huh? That’s right; it seems that there are some insiders
trying to damage sales of this already-doomed-to-failure 'thing' via a strict
warning. And what exactly does 'explicit' imply? Are there naked women within?
Isn't that unchristian? Fucking inept, that’s what it implies.
Other Stuff
"Inside, before Matthew I, is a smart cartoon, The
Prable of Four Grommets in which, "Once upon a solid 10f swell a surfer
traveling through Indo came across an ancient fishing village sitting in the
wickedest right and left hander known to surf kind." This catches the
attention of anyone feeling a little self conscious at reading the Good
News."
I am really stuck with the first part of this paragraph. "Wickedest right and left hander known to surf kind."
What the fuck are they trying to say here? Wickedest IS NOT a valid word of the
English language. How many other invalid words exist within the Surfer’s
Bible? Fuck. And what's a 'right and left hander'? I can only
assume it’s surfer jargon, yet that would only
contradict the earlier statement of "resisting the obvious temptation to
re-write all the gospels in Surfer-speak." The Surfers Bible
isn't doing too well in the coherency steaks.
"The gospels are interspersed with numerous
first-hand stories of how various amateur pro-surfers came face to face with
their belief in God. Their frankness and lack of pretence is compelling."
We guarantee that these stories are infact utter bullshit, or are
results of torture preformed on captured surfers.
"The Surfers Bible is collaboration between Christian
Surfers International, a wave ridin' ministry..."
Is this for real? An established surfer society dedicated for
Christians? If it infact is, then they must be totally rad, ridin' the waves
and doing' it for god and all.
Conclusion
Wackiness Rating: 72%
If the Surfers Bible is actually meant to be a
joke, in which case it's a very good one, then it warrants the title of a
fairly wacky product. Even if it isn't, the whole principal of a bible for
Surfers is relatively wacky.
Coherency Rating: 22%
A several contradictions and scrambled ideas take away any chance
success in this area.
Enjoyment Rating: 26%
Worth a snigger, but just too embarrassing for
man kind to be of any serious enjoyment.
INEPTITUDE RATING: 97%
The Surfers Bible is
fucking inept.