Being the highly conservative person that I dare
choose to be, MTV is a faction of the world which I very rarely consider. From
what I’ve seen, it’s just a mindless culmination of shitty music and even shittier
programming. The other night whist feverishly practicing my trigonometry, I
decided to take a wee break and check out what was on TV. As the end credits
for Home Improvement rolled, the helpful and charismatic TV announcer warned
the audience that the new MTV show Punk’d was about to be aired. Feeling
unstoppable from my previous trigonometry practice, I decided that I would try
to endure the next half hour.
Punk’d – It’s
really bad.
Punk’d is a fucking inept piece of work. Famous
teen heart-throb celebrity Ashton Kutcher (who I’ve never heard of) simply
performs ‘funny’ pranks on his celebrity friends. Before you start thinking
of amusing scenarios such as Tim Allen,
Sammo Hung, Chuck Norris, Roger Moore, Harrison Ford or Mark Hamill getting buckets
of water thrown at them (or whatever), you should understand that Kutcher’s
‘celebrity’ friends are the really crap verity of celebrity - the type whom
most people over the age of eighteen don’t give a fuck about. Examples include
Frankie Muniz, Justin Timberlake and Kelly Osborne. Need I continue?
“Yo, my name is Ashton Kutcher, the star of Punk’d. Tune in
and watch me perform gangstar pranks on my totally duke celeb friends, such as
Frankie Muniz and Justin Timberlake. MTV RULZ.”
(Note: Kutcher did not make the above
statement.)
The debut
episode.
The first episode (and the last one which I will
bother to watch) kicked off with an incoherent intro sequence, atypical of MTV.
To the horror of the free world, Kutcher’s face then inundates the screen. He
gives us a brief overview of the next half hour, promising us that he will
steal Frankie Muniz’s flash car, ‘repossess’ Justin Timberlake’s belongings,
and then send some eight year old onto the red carpet to harass some
celebrities. The attention then quickly diverts to Frankie Muniz.
Kutcher begins the Frankie Muniz prank by
proclaiming his jealously of Muniz’s $250 000 car, in a true fuckhead,
pseudo-celebrity style. His solution his jealousy? Steal it. The notable
problem here is that stealing someone’s car is thievery, and not a true prank
at all. Kutcher begins the prank by chatting away to Muniz, and then placing
him into the lucrative hands of a director, who talks with him about a possible
movie contract (The director is in on the crime as well, you see). Meanwhile, a
very suspicious character, namely ‘Dax’ nicks Muniz’s flash car. Muniz then
walks outside and concludes that some fucker has stolen his car. Muniz is
notably upset by the whole affair, which is shown by Max-Hush.com levels of swearing
and complaining. Kutcher (I think, I was beginning to lose attention by this
stage) then suggests to Muniz that he should try dialing his own cell phone
number, in the possibility that the thief may answer the phone. Muniz does so,
and promises the thief a million dollar vacation if he returns his car in tact.
Kutcher laughs. Ten or so minutes later, the thief returns the expensive car,
and Muniz then laughs, for he sees a familiar face inside. Kutcher exclaims to
Muniz that he has been ‘Punk’d’, and all is well.
And if you thought that was great, wait until
you get a load of what Kutcher did to Justin Timberlake! This bit begins with a
joyous Kutcher exclaiming that his ‘gang’ will dress up as repossession agents
and start to repossess Timberlake’s belongings, under the excuse that
Timberlake owes many thousands of dollars in back taxes. Kutcher then promptly
vanishes, whilst several people dressed in blue overalls wander around
aimlessly amongst several boxes. Timberlake arrives on the scene and (in a very distressed fashion) begins to
question the whole situation. He tries desperately to get the ‘repossession
agents’ to leave, alas with no avail. After ringing his mum (who apparently
does nothing to relieve the situation) he can be seen sitting on his lavish
doorstep looking very puzzled and sad indeed. A few minutes later, Kutcher
arrives on the scene, Timberlake laughs, repossession agents laugh and
Timberlake makes homie play fighting maneuvers toward Kutcher. Timberlake then
picks up a box, only to discover that they are empty. He laughs again. Kutcher
exclaims that he has been ‘Punk’d’, and they continue to have a homie play
fight.
After a much needed advert break, Kutcher
returns to the telly and introduces his little ally Ryan Pinkston. Kutcher
carefully explains what is about to happen in explicit detail. “We are going to send an eight year old kid
(Pinkston) onto the red carpet, and get him to ask celebrities really invasive
questions.” The poor kid (whose
picture and the word ‘MISSING’ is possibly on several Californian milk
cartons) is then exhibited wandering
around the red carpet, blatantly harassing several celebrities. For example, he
makes remarks to Pierce Brosnan (probably Punk’d’s only respectable aspect)
about how great the other James Bond actors, including George Lazenby are.
Again, this is not a prank at all, it is harassment. Other inane things happened here as well, but
they were obviously not very interesting, as I cannot remember them.
Punk’d – it’s
just inept.
Incase you haven’t yet figured it out (in which
case you have a nasty mental disorder), I didn’t enjoy my Punk’d experience
very much. But, before I really rip into it, I would like to publicly
congratulate Kutcher, who did a tremendous job in making Punk’d consistent with
typical MTV standards. Lets give him a round of applause!
Earlier, I mentioned that the celebrities who
Kutcher targets of are the shite variety. Let’s take Frankie Muniz, a teen star
of around sixteen years old. Now, the only people who actually enjoy watching
Muniz in Malcom in the Middle are short, chubby midgets who enjoy telling long,
bullshit stories about some lavish adventure to Queenstown Airport, and as for
Justin Timberlake? Bah! If anyone ever mentions his name, it is usually followed
by the words ‘fucking’ and ‘hate’. I could go on forever, but what I am trying
to say is that ninety percent of the world don’t give a rats arse about some
‘prank’ performed on the world’s least discernable celebrities.
Conclusion:
(Note: All ratings are out of a maximum of five
stars, five being the highest.)
Satisfaction: *
The only satisfaction gained from watching
Punk’d is the knowledge that if you make a television program, it will be a
hell of a lot better than Punk’d.
Inspiration: *
The only inspiration I got from watching that
shit was to write this lengthy review.
Cleverness: *
Taking someone’s car is THIEVERY, and not a
‘prank’ at all.
Overall: *
Punk’d is absolutely heinous. So don’t.