Absurd ROM Hacks
Before we begin, it would probably be wise to explain what a ROM
actually is. ROM’s are the information stored on a video game cartridge. This
information can be downloaded onto a computer via elaborate devices, and physically
played on a computer using an emulator. Hence, a ROM Hack is a hacked version
of a
Why would you want to hack into your
favorite games?
Hackers delve into the mysteries of ROMs for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes, hackers use ROMs as a medium to tell the world that they are the
biggest fucks ever. Other times they just try frustrate you. Very rarely does a
hacker hack into a ROM for the gaming public's benefit.
How does it feel to see your favorite
video games ruined by some retard?
It hurts, it really does. To see your favorite video games, the
ones who were always there for you during your dark childhood, mutilated by
some nerd's quest to be a fuckwit is really upsetting.
Let us examine some ROM Hacks.
Wonderboy in
Wonderboy in
Of course, ROM Hackers were hardly amused by this, and decided to
inject a little gayness into it.
Sonicboy in
That’s right. Sonicboy in fucking
This hack hardly showcases any computer skill whatsoever. This
hack simply changes Wonderboy into a shitty, tenth-rate, Windows Paint-created
Sonic. There are no gameplay changes at all. Watching this crude Sonic wander
around in what was a classic video game is really depressing. It’s like the
hacker is trying to say 'I'm retarded', but doesn’t know how to.
Monica
I don't know what the fuck the hacker is trying to achieve here.
Pictured to the right, this hack appears to depict a wee man in a dress, who
uses a blue stick to defeat his enemies. Monica goes one step further than
Sonicboy though, in that it also has a tender, home made title screen. That’s
about it.
Again, no real hacking talent is shown here either Even I could
probably achieve similar results using Windows Paint and a few hacking tools.
And what the exactly does 'Monica' mean?
Mario - Captured and SHAMED!
Mario has to be the shittiest video game character / mascot ever.
For starters, he totally unrad, has no special powers, is overweight and
doesn’t even have a heroy job. What was Nintendo thinking when they decided to
make Mario their mascot? I would have fired the cartoonist on the spot for
being such a fool.
Then one day, perhaps the biggest fucking moron of a hacker ever
decided to take matters into his own hands.
Mario Nude
Yes, you read it right. Mario Nude. For fuck sake. Please note
that I have never played this monstrosity (thankfully), therefore, any statements here are purely
assumed, although they are probably right.
This is hardly amusing. I can only assume that it replaces
'normal, clothed Mario' with a shittly drawn nude version. This has to be the
most absurd thing currently on this website.
Why would you even want to do something so inept?
An outlet for a sexual fantasy? Probably.
Landstalker - Mutated by a hacker.
Landstalker is the greatest game ever. Crikey, you can get your hands
chopped off for even dreaming about hacking the game in the middle east, for
that’s how great it is.
Credit goes to the hack itself however. Unlike the above tripe,
the hacker manages to prove his abilities by actually changing the gameplay
itself, not just the main character's appearance. Bravo!
Landstalker gets insanely difficult towards the end. The hacker
obviously failed to complete the game and took the ‘If I can't have it, no one
can’ attitude to deal with his problem. About 90% of the way through, you
encounter a river, and in order to travel down the river, you must obtain
'logs'. What the hacker did is make it so that you can't get to the logs (by
placing another sprite in front of them), and therefore making it impossible to
complete the game. Please understand Landstalker is like a drug. You keep
wanting more. When the hacker stole it from me, it was like stealing nourishing
bread from a malnourished boy. Six years later, it still makes me scream 'ARSE!
I HATE THE HIERARCHY!’ on occasion. Other hacked pieces consist entirely of minor
alterations to the game’s dialogue. Ohhhh, what a hacking master.
Thanks for ruining Christmas you fucking toe rag.
Conclusion
Wackiness Rating: 0%
None of the above hacks manage to exude wackiness at all.
Coherency Rating: 1%
Coherent? A man in a dress replacing Wonderboy? No.
Enjoyment Rating: 0%
Threes no way in a million fucking years that mankind would enjoy
playing a game depicting a naked Mario.
INEPTITUDE RATING: 99%
ROM Hacking is fucking inept.